Absent Opportunities

I do still plan to publish the next The Black Tree book. I’m also nearly done writing a book about Queen Aeryn’s grandparents. You’ll even get to learn why Jeffery and Mark never mentioned them. The Cuil Multiverse is ever growing and the story of Lilith is nearly fully formed in my head already. Eventually, and out of order, the last book in this project will be written-the book where I truly face my past to see if I’m ready to move on. That will hurt to write and I’ll be needing such enormous support from friends and family to confront all of that once and for all, and then to share it with the world like some kind of nut.

Yet right now I need a different sort of support. It’s not what happened to me in my past. It’s who I knew. And where they’ve gone. She is nowhere. She has disappeared from the universe, dispersed across galaxies like mist. She used to be a lover of mine. She was an  inspiration for the woman Queen Aeryn came to be in her adulthood. She helped me to see that sexuality could be regained and repurposed for the self even when it had been damaged by those who didn’t give a fuck. She was like a louder, braver version of myself. She ended up leaving me to get married to her boyfriend but I didn’t mind. We were still friends for a while until I became a background character in her life. I wished her well, supported her businesses, and stepped away to let her enjoy her new family. Less than a year later, just this past weekend, she passed away. Just up and died and no one knows why yet. My heart is wrenching. I have no idea what to do with myself. She was so young and so energetic. I can only be grateful that I started this project and that she was one of the people I wrote to. I was able to tell her everything I’d wanted and needed to. That doesn’t mean it hurts any less now that she is gone. It’s as if a shovel has dug up my heart where she lay into pieces. What shall I do with these pieces? I’ve barely had time to mourn my favorite cousin passing or my mom nearly dying of the same thing that took him just months ago. Sometimes it really does feel as if everyone is dying around me and I have no time. Yet I have no moment to breathe with taking care of my child, his cousins, and searching for a new job that won’t trigger my panic attacks. Rest has always been elusive for me. Perhaps for her sake I should start making room for it.

Rest in peace, my love.

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