Life is full of ups and downs. Isn’t that what we hear often? In my experience the good and the bad tend to come together in such extensive ways that distinguishing them from one another seems nearly pointless. Over the course of a day, I will have received so much good news and bad news that by the end of it all I can feel is simply tired. Whenever someone asks how I’m feeling I usually say I’m fine or that it would take too long to explain all of my conflicting emotions.
These past few years have certainly been a test of the limits of my emotions, sanity, and patience. Through my poor health I learned to stop trying to be superman. Through all of the deaths of family and friends I gained more resolve to live authentically. Through raising my kid I determined to become my very best.
I have reached a point now that is as great as it is terrifying. A few weeks ago I posted that I had exciting news. As events in my life often do, it became complex and multifaceted as sorrows and joys transformed and revealed new bits of connected consequences. The delightful news is that I have returned to the place where I spent the best years of my childhood, California. Shortly after relocating here, the shit hit the fan.
It was nothing I was doing. No, as it often is, the people and events around me reacted in wonderful and inexplicable ways. My family supported me. My live-in partner took charge of our kid and holds down the fort 3000 miles away until they can join me. We are each standing on our own and searching for better jobs and a better life. The people I’ve met so far here are fantastic, diverse, and open. It’s a paradise of refreshing challenge after being in a place where everyone seems so negative and defeated. I can literally see progress all around me.
Yet…the thing I couldn’t control came to bite me in the ass. Just months after my former girlfriend died, my other boyfriend (partner, whatever the hell he was to me, labels are weird) died. This just a week or so after us promising to remain in touch more often and him expressing excitement that I was chasing my dreams. He was my star and the universe suddenly saw fit to snuff him out without warning. Before I really had time to mourn, trouble arose with a stubborn family member. Trouble that could have derailed all that the rest of us were working on. Thankfully it has passed without too much incident but the stress has already taken its toll.
All is never lost, however. I am now working on several new outlets for my stories. I have submitted the dreaded queries in order to find a literary agent (with the hopes of turning my books into movies or shows some day). I have fallen in love with Game of Thrones. I have discovered the wonderful adventures of Honor Harrington. I have grown closer to the father I hadn’t grown up with and his amazing and perceptive wife. I’m also actually talking to others instead of just hiding in the corner like I usually do.
Life is incredibly short and fleeting and fragile. It is complex, surprising, and relentless. Good, bad, who cares? I am alive right now. I have loved and still love beautiful souls. I am nearly ready to write the last book of the Cuil Effect (out of order, mwa ha) in which the traumas of my past will be fully explored. One of the promises I made to myself was to live every moment as worship, let every step and breath be full of wonder, appreciation, and acknowledgment. I think I’m nearly there. Up and down, but always moving, always coming back, and always staying still where it counts.