Freaking Out

 

Okay, the new covers are all finished and ready to go. Did I update every site? I have like a million. Maybe I should hire an assistant to make sure. Haha, just kidding, I’m too broke for that. Are all the letters aligned perfectly? Do the covers make sense? How soon will they update across all the sites? A few weeks. Okay. I want to bite my nails but that’s disgusting. My guest posts are up on Postmodern Woman and Multiple Match. Will people like them? They’ll probably hate me. That book review for The Changing of Allison Dutch is up as well. Will people get it? Ah, exposure. I’m not used to people noticing me. What happens when more people read my books? Will they hate it? Will they get the sarcasm and barbs about traditional writing? Did I forget something? What the hell is Twitter for? I don’t get it. Did I eat today? Yeah, I ate. How many more books to go? Books Thirteen and Fourteen of The Black Tree series are so messed up. Will people read that far? What about all the stuff in it about me? Will I come off as narcissistic? Or will they think I need therapy? Totally had therapy. All that pain. But it’s funny, right? It’s dark and twisted but so full of inside jokes that it’s bleeding as badly as the universes in it. Do I have enough photos for the other million books I wrote and have yet to write? How many hints can I safely give away? What about the more personal books? Gah, do I really want them to know that? Honesty is the best policy, right? What about all the incest? God, my characters are gross. Damn scaroths. They’re like the Mayfair family Anne Rice wrote about. Too much sex? Too much gay sex? I’m not a prude and it has a purpose. There’s so much misinformation about it out there. Why is violence more acceptable than sex? Didn’t I joke about that in one of my books? Ugh, I wish I were as brave as Queen Aeryn and Lilith. But wow, look how far I’ve come! Reading back over all of those captured moments, that pain, frustration, and helplessness. Nine books. Nine books now! I didn’t think I’d make it this far. But when will the vitriol come? Someone out there will hate it, right? That’s how the math plays out. I’m thinking about it too much. Jean’s telling me to calm down. Hell, even Mitchell is telling me to rest my mind. New friends, new sources of understanding. These women are amazing and so strong. Why do I still feel so weak? Should I even post this? Gah! I’ve lived through so much. I’m still here. I’m even happy. Man, anxiety sucks. Thankfully it doesn’t come often. Yes, it’s getting better every day. I don’t freeze up like I used to. I can actually step outside without having panic attacks. And each time I keep going despite the anxiety I feel I prove to myself that I can keep going, that I’ve survived and will survive. Hell, I even have conversations now! Nine books. So many more to go. It has to see its finish no matter how deep and ugly. It’s my story. It’s how I survived. I’m still here. And the ending…the end of that journey…

 

Yeah, I’ll be okay. I’m here and this is my story. Fuck anxiety.

 

*Here’s the cover for my newly published book, The Black Tree Series Volume Six Book Twelve: Come Collecting. In the next few weeks you’ll also see updated covers for all my works. There will also be a sale on Kobo for each work starting August 6th.

 

The Black Tree Book Twelve: Come Collecting
The Black Tree Book Twelve: Come Collecting
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