Ghosts of Lovers Past

I know I usually write light-hearted or darkly humorous posts but this one is more about letting some emotions go.

 

Perhaps part of my even more frenetic pacing for writing and typing up my stories recently is the fact that so many people I loved have died in the past few years. This year alone I lost not one but two lovers, one I’d let go and one I was still with. I can’t really describe the sense of loss, the strangeness, the sheer unfairness, and the unlikelihood of such a thing. I had barely begun mourning one when the other passed on, and both so young. Even with that, I forged ahead. I kept working, kept loving, kept enjoying the precious moments I did have. But what I never expected to experience were triggers. I’ve already worked through most of the possible triggers for the traumatic events occurring in my childhood but now I must start anew. Not once, but twice this last month I’ve seen doppelgangers of the people I’d lost. Both times, it took my breath away. Both times, I’d been having fun when the sight hit me like a blow from a hammer. And then I wondered: will these triggering situations mean there will be some people I could never interact with because they reminded me too much of those who’d died? How many moments will I burst randomly into tears, just like I had over equally painful but far darker memories? Will people grow sick of hanging out with me because I have been so sensitized, been through so much, that I spend much of my time in deep reflection and contemplation? What I feel now is so entirely bittersweet. What happened wasn’t fair. It was no one’s fault. It also left a gaping hole that will never go away, even as I learn to live with it. I miss them. Every single day. I’m more open in last few months than I’ve ever been, and I love that. Each day I realize again and again how precious time is, how truly beautiful each moment is, and how I never want to waste a second. So the next time I see someone who looks like someone I’ve lost I’ll take a deep breath, remind myself they’re beautiful individuals, remember my loves, probably smile and cry at the same time. It’s weird, for sure, to experience this but my life has always been weird. It comes with the territory. One moment at a time. Deep breath.

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