How I Managed Not To Kill Myself | Postmodern Woman

Other than the simplified assumptions about womanhood, God yes. I still struggle with the knowledge that I can’t just do what everyone else does. And only being validated in my terrible experiences by undergoing the knife. And even then not having people understand this and other conditions that sap my strength, my energy, my brain, and my ability. I did struggle with suicide for myriad reasons. I likened my endometriosis to a curse specifically inflicted on me because I was female. It felt like I was allergic to being a woman. When my body and mind seemed to betray me in every single way, when I became the stereotypical hysterical bleeding woman, when I had no answer and no relief the pressure to still work, to push through, to be completely self-sufficient loomed over my head. The dismay when people talk as if I will one day be healthy, as if it will all disappear, as if I am broken and deficient because I’m not a paragon of health like they are. They can’t understand that I’m already starting off falling behind. But as she pointed out, these conditions do help you look more closely at who you really are and what you are truly capable of. The pain eventually wears away all pretense until only you remain, over and over. In that, I rarely forget. Hm and I might just look into that hypnosis thing to see how it works. I usually just meditate through it when it gets too intense but hypnosis might be deeper.

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