I had yet another surgery yesterday. I think this makes it my sixth total. I’m recovering. I have to resume the daily trips in once more for dressing changes (and deal with the fresh, singeing pain all over again) but the thing about undergoing traumatic experiences is that you become more solid in the knowledge that you can survive. I used to ask over and over, “How strong do I have to be? What is it for?” every time I went through situations that only exist in most people’s nightmares. People will think my characters had it bad; they have no idea my reality is so much more surreal and intense.
I’ve stopped asking that question. The answer no longer matters. I have been worn away in so many ways and so many times. Where most people may only experience one or two of these things, my life just seems to keep filling with more and more of them. I have an unbelievably high pain threshold-in more ways than one-but that doesn’t make me a masochist. It’s not like I revel in or enjoy the pain. I don’t bother to transform it into suffering, either. There’s no point in adding to it; it is what it is. I don’t fight it or struggle against it. I feel it and let it be. It doesn’t mean I like it. At times I do wish I could at least catch a break. But that may be beyond my control.
I am a bit of a masochist, actually, but only in very particular ways. And never with things like this. I’m not sure what all of this random pain will mean for my future exactly. It’s apparent now that I can never work normally again. But I can still write when I’m feeling lucid enough. I can still write when the medicine does nothing to touch the “flayed skin and corset of pain” sensations that rack my body at least once a week. Funnily enough, though, I can’t even be depressed about it. I was for a short while, but like I said, why make myself suffer more and add to the pain?
I enjoy what I can. I remember my loves. I keep writing. Having multiple chronic illnesses (and random shit that happens just to shake things up) isn’t easy and isn’t fantastic. I’ll simply find another way to make my dreams reality. My path has always lain outside the norm anyway and this is no different. Onwards.